Building on strengths

“My partner is ill, which is difficult in itself,” said one person, “but one of the hardest parts is answering questions about their illness. People ring up and, though they are well-meaning, it takes ages to answer their questions. I don’t want to be rude, but it can be very exhausting."

"The phone calls start with them expressing sympathy, but sometimes the roles get reversed and I end up giving them therapy! Have you any suggestions about how to deal with these kinds of situations?”

Can you recall a time when this has happened for you? You may have suffered a bereavement, lost a job, experienced an illness or whatever. Part of you wanted to be open with people, but it was tiring repeating details. Certainly you may want to talk about the issues with kindred spirits, but other enquiries may be more invasive.

How to deal with such conversations? One approach is to tell people you don’t want to talk about it. Another is to create a ‘script’ you can follow to be ‘polite’, but also manage your own energy. Let’s explore how to make this happen.

1) You can clarify your script for answering enquiries during a difficult time.

“This is the route we took when answering the questions,” said the person mentioned earlier. “The three key themes of our script went something like this:

‘Thank you for asking.

* X (my partner) has decided to embark on a course of treatment. The stats say the chances of success are fairly high, but you never know with these things.

* We are finding that, in some ways, it is making us stronger. We are appreciating the simple things in life and plan to go on several special trips.

* The course is x months long and we will let you know of any further developments. How are you?’

“Having a script meant we did not have to rethink every time somebody phoned. We just returned to the themes.

"Putting it together also helped to clarify our philosophy for dealing with the illness. We revisited our priorities and spent time enjoying our relationship. Sometimes we elaborated on the script with different people. The key thing it did, however, was to provide a compass we could return to during conversations.”

You would, of course, follow this approach in your own way. Try tackling the exercise on this theme.

First, describe a potentially difficult situation where you might want to use a script to deal with ‘caring enquiries’.

Second, imagining yourself in that situation, describe the three key messages you might want to give people. (Obviously it is hard to predict such a situation, but it can be useful to consider your potential strategy.)

Try completing the following sentences.

2) You can follow the script for answering enquiries during the difficult time.

“Divorce is never easy,” said another person, “and it is hard to be ‘measured’ after a separation. My partner and I obviously got our act together in terms of talking with the children – something that has continued till this day. Explaining the news to others was more challenging, especially as some wanted to know the details or talk about their own divorce!"

"So I devised a sort of ‘press release’. I said that we had enjoyed being together for many years, but then simply grew in different directions. I kept returning to these lines, rather than being drawn into recriminations. It became a kind of mantra that protected me from too many questions, though obviously I did a lot of soul-searching.”

How can you follow your ‘script’? Certainly there may be some people with whom you want to go deeper. But there will be others who, for whatever reason, put you under pressure.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, describe the specific pressures you may need to deal with when answering queries in the difficult situation. Second, describe the things you can do, if appropriate, to follow your script when answering enquiries. Try completing the following sentences.

3) You can use the script as a guiding compass during the difficult time.

The script can also provide a ‘guiding compass’. This is something you can use to clarify and communicate your philosophy in the difficult situation.

One couple took this approach when their daughter, Kelly, became depressed after suffering setbacks at school. Previously she had seemed happy, but she did have a strong need for affirmation from her parents and authorities.

Something happened when she was 14, however, and her school grades collapsed. Kelly stopped attending dancing and art classes – activities she loved – and retreated into herself. Her only interest seemed to be spending hours working with horses in the local stables. Everything came to a head one day when the school rang to say Kelly had fainted in class.

“We were worried sick,” said her father, “but we got help from an excellent counsellor. She explained things in a caring but matter of fact way."

"First, the doctors could not find anything physically wrong with Kelly. If the fainting continued, however, it would be good to get further medical opinions."

"Second, Kelly tended to seek reassurance, which wasn’t coming from the exam results. She needed a sense of success. But this had to come from within her, rather than by trying to please other people."

"Third, like many youngsters, Kelly was seeking ways to be in control of her life. It would be important for her to find positive, rather than negative, ways to make this happen.”

“The counsellor said there may be many reasons for Kelly’s behaviour, but our role was clear. It was to provide a caring environment in which we gave her consistent messages."

"She suggested that one way to do this was for my wife and I to agree on the messages we wanted to keep giving Kelly. These could become our guiding philosophy during difficult times. This wasn’t rocket science, but it made sense. So my wife and I settled on our messages to give Kelly. These were:

* We love you. We care for you, not your grades or outward achievements.

* We will encourage you to follow your passions. These may be horse-riding, painting, dancing or whatever.

* We recognise you will be making many more decisions in the future. Many of these will be for you to make – though on some we may have a view! We care for you, however, and will do whatever we can to support you.

“My wife and I tried to stick to this framework. There were ups and downs over the years, but Kelly seems much happier these days. She is now at university studying art. Though she keeps threatening to become a vet!”

The ‘guiding compass’ approach is used by counsellors to help people to clarify and – when appropriate – communicate their philosophy during crises. They can gain strength from it time after time. People do not have to think about reacting to every twist and turn along the way. They can return to what they believe-in and translate their philosophy into action.

There are many ways to deal with ‘caring enquiries’ during crises. One approach is to clarify your ‘script’. You can follow this to be ‘polite’ but also focus on what is important during the difficult times.

Looking at the difficult situation you may face in the future, how could you use your script in this way? Try completing the following sentence.

People need a purpose. They often like to pursue a goal that benefits themselves, other people or future generations. They also like to see a connection between their daily actions and their long-term goals. As Helen Keller said, true happiness comes through: ‘fidelity to a worthy purpose.’ Those who do not have such a compelling aim may find that, as the old saying goes, ‘their soul perishes’.

So let's explore how to continue having this sense of meaning in your life and work.

1) You can focus on your purpose.

There are many ways to explore your purpose. One approach is to learn from the past.

Looking back on your life, can you think of three times when you have had a strong sense of purpose? You may have been raising money for a charity, writing a book, shipping a product, helping people to shape their futures or whatever.

Looking at each of these times, how did you find or create a sense of purpose? How did you then work toward achieving the goal? Looking at these examples, can you see any patterns? There may be some differences, but sometimes it is possible to find common principles. How can you follow these principles in the future?

Try completing the following sentences.

There are many other exercises on this theme. You may have tackled some of these when attending workshops or reading books. Virtually all invite you to ‘start from your destination and work backwards’. They ask you:

a) To clarify what you want to accomplish in your life.

b) To translate these aims into specific goals.

c) To do something towards achieving these goals each day.

Such exercises include, for example:

Success

Looking back at the end of my life, the specific things I want to have
done by then that for me will mean I have had a successful life will be:

*

*

*

My Legacy

The things I want to pass on to people are:

*

*

*

My Obituary

The specific things I would like people to
say about what I have done in my life are:

*

*

*

So how can you clarify your purpose? One approach is to brainstorm around the exercises mentioned above. You will soon find that certain topics reappear. So focus on the recurring theme.

Try writing it in various ways, then settle on the words that feel right to around 80%. Do not worry about finding the perfect phrase through word crafting. That will be a lifetime’s work! Providing it feels right, go with your chosen sentence.

For example, at the moment mine is: “To help people to build on their strengths and achieve their picture of success.” Certainly this can be shortened or lengthened, but the sentiment remains the same.

You will, of course, have your own key theme. So try completing the following exercise. First, describe your purpose. Second, describe the benefits of pursuing this purpose. Third, describe the specific things you can do to translate this purpose into action. Try completing the following sentences.

2) You can focus on your team’s purpose.

Great teams are motivated to achieve a specific goal. They channel their efforts to cure an illness, raise money for charity, climb a mountain, develop a particular product, lead a pioneering project or whatever. Charles Garfield, the author of Peak Performers, said that such teams often have: ‘missions that motivate’.

Imagine you are a leader. How can you create such excitement? One approach is to communicate a compelling story, strategy and road to success.

Start by clarifying the team’s purpose – the specific thing it is here to do. The classic example is NASA’s 1960s aim to, before the end of the decade, land a man on the Moon and return him to Earth safely. Certainly it can be challenging to create such an inspiring mission. But many leaders can, together with their team, create what they believe to be a compelling aim.

Bearing this in mind, what is your team’s purpose? Try to create a ‘one liner’ that appeals to both the heart and the head. For example, one high-tech team I worked with defined their aim as: “To create software that enables people to take charge of shaping their education.”

Be honest when defining the purpose, even if it is simply: “To make money.” This is much better than clouding the aim in woolly language. People can then decide whether or not they want to contribute towards following that route.

Let’s imagine that you have produced a compelling purpose. The next step is to translate this into the team’s story, strategy and road to achieving success. This means defining the ‘what, why, how, who and when’. Clarify much of this by yourself – or with your core team – and make sure the overall strategy is set to at least 80% before communicating it to the wider group. You can then give people ownership, within parameters, for implementing their part of the strategy.

How to make this happen? One approach is to gather people together and take the following steps. You can aim:

* To communicate the story, strategy and road to success.

* To invite people to add to the overall story, strategy and road to success.

* To invite people to make clear contracts about their part in making the strategy happen.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites you to start by clarifying the team’s purpose. You can then focus on the ‘what’ – the picture of success. (This will be an expression of the purpose and is a ‘photograph’ of what you will have achieved by a certain date.)

You can then focus on the ‘why, how, who and when’. The final part – the road map – invites you to start from the destination and work backwards. Show the milestones you will achieve along the road. Try completing the following exercise.

(The following example uses the 3 Ps as a framework. This calls for clarifying the goals under the headings of Profits, Products – including Customer Satisfaction – and People. But you may use well use another framework.)

3) You can focus on your organisation’s purpose.

Great organisations provide a guiding compass for their people. They also get the right balance between the ‘global’ and the ‘local’.

The centre communicates the global purpose and principles. But the way people practice these principles is, within parameters, up to them within their part of the business.

This freedom does, however, come with a proviso. People must show how their contributions are following the principles and contributing to the purpose.

Imagine you want to take this approach when leading an organisation. The style you adopt will be similar to that you may have used, for example, when communicating a team’s story. But this time it is on a larger scale. Bearing this in mind, it is important to outline the following themes to people.

a) The purpose.

You can explain the organisation’s purpose and picture of success. Follow this by outlining the benefits – for the company, the customers and the colleagues.

Every leader has their style of presenting a compelling vision. For example, Steve Jobs of Apple is a fine speaker, but he maintains that he can’t motivate people. He believes it is the ‘work’ that excites them. Steve sees his role as creating inspiring projects that ‘put a ding in the universe.’

You will find your own compelling story and say something like:

The purpose of our company is:

* To

Bearing this in mind, the specific goal
we want to achieve by _________ is:

* To

The benefits of achieving this will be:

* To

* To

* To

b) The principles.

These are the key strategies. People can then apply these guidelines in their own ways – within parameters – to achieve the purpose. You will have your own approach to communicating the guidelines and say something like:

The principles we aim to follow to achieve the purpose are:

* To

* To

* To

c) The practice.

People want to know their part in the strategy – but they also like to feel a sense of ownership. You can encourage people to ‘think global and act local’. This calls for an ‘adult-adult’ relationship, however, with everybody taking responsibility for making their best contribution to the company. So you may say to people:

“The way you practice these principles will – within parameters – be up to you in your part of the business. But there is one proviso. You must show how what you practice supports the principles and contributes toward achieving the purpose.”

Great organisations offer such a guiding compass. People can then use this for making decisions in their daily work.

—————–

There are many ways to gain inspiration. One approach is to keep focusing on a specific purpose. Individuals can return to this core when working by themselves or with others in teams and organisations. People can then translate the purpose into key principles and achieve peak performance.

“I reached the stage when I needed to see the link between my daily work and my life goals,” explained one person. “For years I had succeeded in reframing activities, even when I was stuck in traffic on the M25."

"Being an ‘achiever’, I always made ‘to do’ lists and got a kick from crossing-off each item. But during my mid-thirties I needed to regain a sense of meaning."

"The first part was relatively simple: defining what I wanted to achieve in life. The second part was more difficult: making the necessary changes. But now I feel that every day I am doing something towards achieving my long term goals.”

Perhaps you have already taken this step. If not, let’s explore how you can pursue it in your own way.

1) You can clarify your life compass.

There are many ways to define your life compass. You may want to begin by tackling one of the many exercises that invite you to clarify your overall life goals. Start from this destination and working backwards, you can then relate your daily actions towards achieving this picture of success.

“That is what I did when I was 39, because it was a good time to take stock,” explained one person. “Looking back, I listed my achievements in life."

"These included having a reasonable sporting career, building our marriage and raising a happy family. Obviously there had been ups-and-downs, especially when caring for our daughter who had a life threatening illness. On the whole, however, my wife and I had been happily blessed."

"Looking forwards, I listed my future aims. Encouraging my family took pride of place, but I also wanted to share my knowledge as a sports coach. I always admired John Wooden, the great basketball coach. His wisdom could be applied to life as well as sports."

"So I planned to run more sports seminars, particularly focusing on the mental side. I also aimed publish a book. Being somebody who likes to set goals, I now feel more on track in my life.”

Different people set their compass in different ways. If you wish, however, try tackling the following exercise that invites you to clarify your life goals.

2) You can clarify how your daily actions connect to your life compass.

“Every day I do something that contributes to achieving my long term aims,” explained one person. “Preferably I do something early in the day. This might be exercising to stay healthy, writing a page for my book, encouraging my wife or whatever."

"It then feels like I am setting the agenda for the day. Otherwise other people’s agendas flood my own and it takes time to get back on course. It takes discipline to set aside time to get some ‘early wins’, but it is highly beneficial. Providing I do this, I feel on course to achieve my long term goals.”

How can you make this happen in your own way? One approach involves three steps. First, to clarify the specific things you can do each day towards achieving your life goals. Second, to set aside the time to do these properly. Third, to actually do them and get a sense of success. Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can keep making the connection between your daily actions and your life compass.

“My challenge was maintaining the big picture,” explained one person. “I began with good intentions, but soon found myself blown off course. So I created some quiet time each Sunday to revisit my life goals."

"Looking ahead, I focused on doing something towards these in the next week. It took time to develop this habit, but it worked. I now get a sense of meaning by doing something each day towards achieving my life goals."

Plato said that Man is: “a being in search of meaning.” This rule applies as much now as then. People who are following their overall life compass often enjoy a sense of meaning. How can you do this in your own way?

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Describe the specific things you can do to see a connection between your daily actions and your long term picture of success. Try completing the following sentence.

How do you measure your efforts? Some people neglect their talents by comparing themselves with others, saying: "If I can't be Number 1, there is no point in taking part.”

Great performers focus on ‘playing their own game’. They aim to be the best kind of person, artist, inventor, chef, scientist or parent they can be. Let's explore three ideas for pursuing this route in your own way.

1) You can clarify what you do best.

Some people live in the world of creation; some in the world of competition; some in both worlds. How can you compare which of the following is best? A rose or a daffodil? Mozart or Beethoven? As William Blake wrote:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's. I will not reason and compare … My business is to create."

So how can you become the best in your class? One starting point is to focus on your unique talents. You can then aim to become the best you can be.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Describe the deeply satisfying activities where you deliver As, rather then Bs or Cs. For example, you may be writing, cooking, gardening, teaching, solving certain problems, leading teams or whatever. Try completing the following exercise.

2) You can aim to be the best in your class.

Peak performers feel a sense of duty towards their talent. Francis Ford Coppola, the film director said: "I was the kind of kid that had some talents or ability, but it never came out in school." But he had the desire and determination to make full use of his talents. We know that:

Peak performers spend the majority of their working week doing – or preparing to do – what they do best.

Certainly it can take time to build up to this percentage of the week. Great performers become obsessed by pursuing their vocation, however, be it playing the trumpet, redesigning builders or solving maths problems.

The question is: "Do you choose your vocation? Or does your vocation choose you?" Whatever the answer, it can be satisfying to focus on pursuing your A talent. How can you make good use of your gifts?

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. If you are good at singing, you may want to put more energy into being in a choir, in a rock group, recording your own songs or whatever. If you are good at teaching, you may want to find ways of passing-on your knowledge. Describe how you can make full use of your talents. Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can encourage other people to be the best in their class.

Everybody is an artist, everybody is creative, everybody has something special to give to the world.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery, the French aviator and writer, believed we should become 'gardeners' of humanity. Writing in Wind, Sand and Stars, he recounted travelling by train one day and looking at a small child carried by his parents. Antoine wrote:

“This is a musician's face. This is the child Mozart. This is a life full of beautiful promise. Little princes in legends are not different from this. Protected, sheltered, cultivated, what could not this child become?”

“When by mutation a new rose is born in a garden, all the gardeners rejoice. They isolate the rose, tend it, foster it. But there is no gardener for men. This little Mozart will be shaped like the rest by the common stamping machine.”

Antoine believed in 'the gardener's point of view'. Many people still define themselves in relation to others – whether it is in terms of school results, body size, career or whatever.

People can build on who they are, rather than worry about who they are not. A rose can become a better rose, it cannot become a daffodil.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Describe the specific things you can do to encourage people to blossom into the best they can be. They can then aim to become the best in their class.

Peter Drucker once wrote: “The purpose of business is to create and keep a customer.”

The same rule applies when each of us contribute to an organisation. Whether we work as a freelancer or as a full-time employee, our role is to satisfy our sponsors – the people who can hire or fire us.

Some people forget this rule and become institutionalised. They stop taking initiatives and wait to be ‘managed’. Many of today’s businesses, however, want people who are positive, proactive and professional.

Let’s explore how you can manage your sponsors. This calls for taking responsibility, reassuring them and delivering results.

You can take responsibility

“I want people to step forward,” said one leader. “I want them to understand our goals, say how they want to contribute and then deliver on their promises.

“Too many people sit waiting for me to dish out the jobs. That may have worked in the past, but now I want self-managing people who take initiatives. This frees me up to take a more strategic role in shaping the business.”

Writing in the 1980s, Peter Drucker predicted the need for people to behave like volunteers in organisations. This calls for three things.

The leaders to provide a compelling vision;

The individuals to opt-in and behave likes volunteers, rather than victims;

The organisation to provide the support that people need to achieve the vision.

These things may or may not happen in your organisation. But taking initiatives plays a crucial part in satisfying your sponsor. Try completing the following sentence.

You can reassure your sponsors

Sponsors worry. They go to bed at night worrying about hitting the numbers, satisfying their bosses, improving service quality, getting the right people and staying out of trouble.

Similarly, their bosses are under pressure from the banks, stock market or other outside forces. Your job is to reassure them. Never say: “Trust me.” That is like a red flag to a bull.

Show sponsors that you understand the business. Make clear contracts about your contribution, keep them informed and deliver early successes. Sponsors do not like nasty surprises. So manage their expectations.

Be honest, especially when faced by potential crises. Show you have considered the possible ways forward, the respective consequences and, where appropriate, give your recommendations. Try completing the following sentence.

You can deliver results

“Football is a results business,” said one leading manager. “I can talk a good game with the press, but I must deliver results on the field. Otherwise I will get sacked.”

Sponsors will judge you by your results. This calls for doing three things. First, being crystal clear on what you must deliver. Second, doing superb work and delivering the goods. Third, going that extra mile and producing something special.

The final point is vital. People buy people and, in the future, they will remember if you gave them great service. Taking these steps will enable you to create and keep customers. Try completing the following sentences.