Building on strengths

“I reached the stage when I needed to see the link between my daily work and my life goals,” explained one person. “For years I had succeeded in reframing activities, even when I was stuck in traffic on the M25."

"Being an ‘achiever’, I always made ‘to do’ lists and got a kick from crossing-off each item. But during my mid-thirties I needed to regain a sense of meaning."

"The first part was relatively simple: defining what I wanted to achieve in life. The second part was more difficult: making the necessary changes. But now I feel that every day I am doing something towards achieving my long term goals.”

Perhaps you have already taken this step. If not, let’s explore how you can pursue it in your own way.

1) You can clarify your life compass.

There are many ways to define your life compass. You may want to begin by tackling one of the many exercises that invite you to clarify your overall life goals. Start from this destination and working backwards, you can then relate your daily actions towards achieving this picture of success.

“That is what I did when I was 39, because it was a good time to take stock,” explained one person. “Looking back, I listed my achievements in life."

"These included having a reasonable sporting career, building our marriage and raising a happy family. Obviously there had been ups-and-downs, especially when caring for our daughter who had a life threatening illness. On the whole, however, my wife and I had been happily blessed."

"Looking forwards, I listed my future aims. Encouraging my family took pride of place, but I also wanted to share my knowledge as a sports coach. I always admired John Wooden, the great basketball coach. His wisdom could be applied to life as well as sports."

"So I planned to run more sports seminars, particularly focusing on the mental side. I also aimed publish a book. Being somebody who likes to set goals, I now feel more on track in my life.”

Different people set their compass in different ways. If you wish, however, try tackling the following exercise that invites you to clarify your life goals.

2) You can clarify how your daily actions connect to your life compass.

“Every day I do something that contributes to achieving my long term aims,” explained one person. “Preferably I do something early in the day. This might be exercising to stay healthy, writing a page for my book, encouraging my wife or whatever."

"It then feels like I am setting the agenda for the day. Otherwise other people’s agendas flood my own and it takes time to get back on course. It takes discipline to set aside time to get some ‘early wins’, but it is highly beneficial. Providing I do this, I feel on course to achieve my long term goals.”

How can you make this happen in your own way? One approach involves three steps. First, to clarify the specific things you can do each day towards achieving your life goals. Second, to set aside the time to do these properly. Third, to actually do them and get a sense of success. Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can keep making the connection between your daily actions and your life compass.

“My challenge was maintaining the big picture,” explained one person. “I began with good intentions, but soon found myself blown off course. So I created some quiet time each Sunday to revisit my life goals."

"Looking ahead, I focused on doing something towards these in the next week. It took time to develop this habit, but it worked. I now get a sense of meaning by doing something each day towards achieving my life goals."

Plato said that Man is: “a being in search of meaning.” This rule applies as much now as then. People who are following their overall life compass often enjoy a sense of meaning. How can you do this in your own way?

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Describe the specific things you can do to see a connection between your daily actions and your long term picture of success. Try completing the following sentence.

How do you measure your efforts? Some people neglect their talents by comparing themselves with others, saying: "If I can't be Number 1, there is no point in taking part.”

Great performers focus on ‘playing their own game’. They aim to be the best kind of person, artist, inventor, chef, scientist or parent they can be. Let's explore three ideas for pursuing this route in your own way.

1) You can clarify what you do best.

Some people live in the world of creation; some in the world of competition; some in both worlds. How can you compare which of the following is best? A rose or a daffodil? Mozart or Beethoven? As William Blake wrote:

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another man's. I will not reason and compare … My business is to create."

So how can you become the best in your class? One starting point is to focus on your unique talents. You can then aim to become the best you can be.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Describe the deeply satisfying activities where you deliver As, rather then Bs or Cs. For example, you may be writing, cooking, gardening, teaching, solving certain problems, leading teams or whatever. Try completing the following exercise.

2) You can aim to be the best in your class.

Peak performers feel a sense of duty towards their talent. Francis Ford Coppola, the film director said: "I was the kind of kid that had some talents or ability, but it never came out in school." But he had the desire and determination to make full use of his talents. We know that:

Peak performers spend the majority of their working week doing – or preparing to do – what they do best.

Certainly it can take time to build up to this percentage of the week. Great performers become obsessed by pursuing their vocation, however, be it playing the trumpet, redesigning builders or solving maths problems.

The question is: "Do you choose your vocation? Or does your vocation choose you?" Whatever the answer, it can be satisfying to focus on pursuing your A talent. How can you make good use of your gifts?

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. If you are good at singing, you may want to put more energy into being in a choir, in a rock group, recording your own songs or whatever. If you are good at teaching, you may want to find ways of passing-on your knowledge. Describe how you can make full use of your talents. Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can encourage other people to be the best in their class.

Everybody is an artist, everybody is creative, everybody has something special to give to the world.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery, the French aviator and writer, believed we should become 'gardeners' of humanity. Writing in Wind, Sand and Stars, he recounted travelling by train one day and looking at a small child carried by his parents. Antoine wrote:

“This is a musician's face. This is the child Mozart. This is a life full of beautiful promise. Little princes in legends are not different from this. Protected, sheltered, cultivated, what could not this child become?”

“When by mutation a new rose is born in a garden, all the gardeners rejoice. They isolate the rose, tend it, foster it. But there is no gardener for men. This little Mozart will be shaped like the rest by the common stamping machine.”

Antoine believed in 'the gardener's point of view'. Many people still define themselves in relation to others – whether it is in terms of school results, body size, career or whatever.

People can build on who they are, rather than worry about who they are not. A rose can become a better rose, it cannot become a daffodil.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Describe the specific things you can do to encourage people to blossom into the best they can be. They can then aim to become the best in their class.

During the early 1980s Johnson & Johnson faced an ethical dilemma. Several batches of its Tylenol medication were found to have been injected with cyanide. Despite the loss of earnings involved, the company immediately withdrew every packet of Tylenol from the market.

Today that sounds the obvious thing to do. But why did Johnson & Johnson act so quickly? The company said that it returned to the first line of its Credo. This read:

“We believe our first responsibility is to doctors, nurses and patients, to mothers and fathers and all others who use our products and services.”

The company put its long-term reputation before short-term cash and withdrew Tylenol from the shelves.

Johnson & Johnson prepared for such moments. During the 1970s it put all its employees through a programme called The Credo Challenge. People were invited:

* To envisage specific situations that might challenge the Credo.

* To explore how to follow the Credo in such situations.

People were invited to consider if the company could follow its Credo when meeting specific challenges. If so, that was excellent. If not, then there was little point in publishing such guidelines.

Johnson & Johnson found that the Credo withstood robust challenges. So they chose to use it as their guide during difficult situations.

1) You can recognise your Tylenol Moment.

Looking back at your professional life, have you ever faced such an ethical dilemma? You may have been faced by a choice: to be a whistle-blower – a truth teller – or to stay quiet; to act morally or to bend your morals; to make a tough decision or to take what seemed the ‘soft’ option. How did you deal with the difficult situation?

I have had relatively few such moments. Whilst I did lead a therapeutic community that contained people who had a high suicide risk, we had a clear framework for managing crises. So the professional code was relatively easy to follow. Perhaps my most difficult moment came much later, however, when I was working as a mentor.

During the late 1990s a large high tech company asked me to design a career development programme. It was agreed to base this on developing people’s strengths. The programme involved designing materials, running workshops and one-to-one coaching. The pilot would be rolled out to 400 people and then to a further 600.

There was one other dimension. The high tech company had hired an e-learning supplier to provide software to reinforce the learning. The software package – and on-going consultancy back up – had already been purchased at great cost by a technical department in the business.

All went well during the initial discussions. After exploring the software package, however, we found it was based on highlighting people’s weaknesses. People were supposed to itemise their shortcomings and ‘bridge the gaps’ between their present and desired performance.

The ‘people department’, responsible for career development, and the ‘technical department’, responsible for the software, had not talked to each other.

So the company asked me to change the approach. Could we focus on people’s weaknesses, rather than their strengths? Certainly it was possible to provide tools for managing the consequences of weaknesses, but we had agreed the emphasis should be on people’s ‘A’ talents.

The company had the right to call the shots. If they preferred the weakness route, they needed somebody who was an expert in that approach.

So I suggested it may be better for them to get another supplier, rather than myself. The contract was worth a huge amount, but I was not doing a U-turn on the strengths philosophy. The company asked for time to consider, then got back within an hour. They wanted to go the strengths route. Paradoxically, the interaction cemented the relationship and we worked together for over a decade.

When have you faced ethical dilemmas? Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, describe the times when you have had Tylenol Moments. Second, describe what might be a potential Tylenol Moment in the future. Then move onto the next stage.

2) You can clarify your ethics at your Tylenol Moment.

Sometimes it can be difficult clarifying one’s inner compass during a difficult situation. Here is an example given by an external mentor to a company. You may or may not agree with their conclusion, but how would you behave in such a situation? The mentor explained a dilemma they faced in their work.

“I had a dilemma when mentoring one client. She began crying during the session, explaining that she was being sexually harassed by her boss.

“She had recently got divorced and, even though she was quite strong, the harassment was crippling. We obviously looked at her options, but there was also a wider issue involved. Should the boss be employed by the company?”

“My contract with the company was quite clear: everything said in the mentoring sessions was confidential. Breaking this code would destroy trust with the mentee. At the same time, the company needed to know about the sexual harassment.

“How to solve the problem? Lots of options swirled around my head. Putting these on the back-burner, my first job was to help my mentee to deal with the issue.”

“Eventually things worked out. The mentee began by making a written record of the actual incidents of harassment. Describing these in a matter-of-fact way, she detailed the interactions and the actual words used by her boss.

“Seeing this in black and white showed a clear pattern of inappropriate behaviour. Looking at her options going forward, she could choose to ignore his behaviour; confront him; leave the company or report his behaviour. Each option had pluses and minuses. By reporting his behaviour, for example, she might lay herself open to accusations of misinterpretation.”

“She chose to let the company know about his behaviour. This was met with the comment: ‘That is interesting.’ Apparently she was the second woman to report him, but the previous allegations were not backed-up by concrete evidence. This time it was acted upon and the boss left the company.”

“What would I have done if the mentee had chosen not to report the boss? That is a hard question. Looking at the options, my first reaction would be to respect the wishes of the mentee. Otherwise I would have placed her in a difficult position. Second, I would probably have done some discreet research about the boss. Did he have a pattern of bullying or sexual harassment?”

“If so, I would have found out whether or not this was known by authorities in the company. If it was known – and not acted upon – I would have resigned from providing the mentoring. At the same time, I would have continued seeing the mentee on a non-funded basis.

“If the boss had a pattern of abuse and it wasn’t known, then I would have had a conversation with my key sponsors in the company. The aim would be to clarify what I should do if, during the sessions, I became aware of abusive behaviour in the business.

“Fortunately it did not come to this – the boss resigned, without compensation – and the mentee went on to develop her career.”

Let’s return to your potential Tylenol Moment. Looking to the future, how could you clarify your ethics – the inner compass you want to follow – in that situation? Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can behave ethically at your Tylenol Moment.

Anticipating such challenges can improve your chances of behaving ethically in the specific situation. Just like Johnson & Johnson, you can then translate this into action. So how can a person practice this approach? Let’s consider one example.

Imagine you are a sports psychologist. You have been asked to help ‘Frank’, a talented footballer. He has a history of flying into a rage and getting sent off. Frank has voluntarily embarked on a rehabilitation programme, part of which is learning to deal with provocation.

How can you help him to deal with such problems? These are his Tylenol Moments: the times when he must stay calm, return to his internal compass and make good decisions. Working with Frank, you clarify the 'What', 'How' and 'When'. He focuses on what he wants to achieve, how he can achieve and when he will be put to the test. You go through the following steps.

* The ‘What’.

What are his professional goals? What is the legacy he wants to leave? Does he want to be known as: an international footballer, a good Premiership player or as somebody who could have made it, but didn’t? Looking back from that date in the future, what are the actual words he wants: a) To say about himself; b) To hear others saying about his career? Working with Frank, you help him to clarify his professional goals.

* The ‘How’.

How can he do his best to achieve those goals? What will be his professional code of conduct? How does he want to behave when provoked? Certainly he will meet opponents and hostile spectators who aim to provoke him into retaliation.

How does he want to behave in a professional way: a) During the week; b) During matches; c) During incidents that are aimed at provoking him? You work with Frank on clarifying his code of behaviour.

* The ‘When’.

How can he stay calm and make good decisions during those provocative incidents? Working together, you settle on his chosen strategy. You ask Frank to brainstorm potential flash points. These include: arriving at the opposition ground; taunts from spectators – about himself, his wife and his children; taunts from opposition players; bad refereeing decisions; and being kicked by the opposition.

Frank chooses to focus on spectators taunting him about his child, who has recently recovered from a serious illness. Going to take a throw in, he hears spectators saying that they wish his child had died. Frank rehearses his inner dialogue:

“I have a wonderful child and wife. I am paid to play the game I love. I will focus on the ball and do my best in the match.”

This becomes his mantra. He will repeat this whenever faced by provocation. Frank also chooses a physical trigger he will use to buy time and compose his thoughts. Looking at his left hand, he will conjure up a picture his child and wife. Their future lies in his hands. Switching into active mode, he will then do his best during the match.

Sounds far-fetched? Perhaps, but this is the kind of mental training done by some high profile footballers. Concentrating on their legacy, they are then able to stay calm, return to their inner compass and work towards their long-term goals.

Let’s return to your anticipated Tylenol Moment. How can you focus on your ethics and translate these into concrete behaviour? Try completing the following sentence.

Many organisations, teams and individuals like to say that they are values-driven. People show their true values, however, when times get tough. Johnson & Johnson did that in the early 1980s. You can also do it during your Tylenol Moments.

"Vulnerability is a great teacher," we are told.

Sometimes we learn key lessons when we are vulnerable. We recognise what we value and how to live our future lives. Sometimes we learn from the experience. The wisdom seeps into our bones and we apply the lessons in our daily lives. Other times the messages dissolve into the mist.

Let’s explore what we can gain from such times.

1) You can recognise that vulnerability is a great teacher.

Can you think of a time when you felt vulnerable? You may have suffered a debilitating illness, lost someone close, experienced an unexpected setback or whatever.

Suddenly you felt out of control – unable to shape everything in your world. Certainly you aimed to ‘control the controllables’ – but many levers lay beyond your reach. What did you do next? After a while you may have begun to reflect, go deeper and listen to your soul.

“Everything is temporary, nothing is permanent,” we are told. But it is when we feel vulnerable that this lesson strikes home. We have chance to consider what is important on life. When has this happened for you? Try completing the following sentence.

2) You can learn about your deepest values during the vulnerable times.

“My wife suffered a serious illness,” explained one person. “To make matters worse, my job then came under threat.

“At first I said: ‘I just want everything to be like it was before.’ But I soon realised we must go forward. We scoured the Internet to gather information about her illness, met self-help groups and planned the way ahead.

“Then we took stock of our assets – our finances, relationships, professional contacts and other resources. We soon realised how lucky – how rich – we were. We talked about ‘downshifting’, moving to another part of the country – perhaps near my partner’s parents – and starting a different kind of life. Our children were also very supportive.

“My wife recovered and the job survived. But we also heeded the lessons. The troubles brought us together. One year later we moved closer to my partner’s parents. She returned to part-time teaching, which she loves.

“I set-up my own business and our daughter now shares a horse! Our son changed his chosen subjects at university. Rediscovering his youthful idealism, he plans to become an environmental journalist. The whole experience taught us to value the precious things in life.”

Let’s return to your vulnerable times. What did you learn about what you valued and what you wanted to value in the future? Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can follow these values during your less vulnerable times.

“Near death experiences focus our minds,” we are told.

Our deepest learning is in our bones, however, not just our hearts or minds. Vulnerability can affect us on the primary level and teach us to re-evaluate our lives. Sometimes we embrace the lessons; sometimes we don’t. Human beings must become slightly immune, otherwise we would not function. But it is also important to take on-board the lessons from difficult experiences.

Sages throughout history have ‘journeyed into the wilderness’ to overcome hardship. They emerge humbler, stronger, wiser. Sometimes, however, the wilderness comes to us. We then gather our forces, focus on what we can do and embrace lessons for the future. Successes help us to grow, but so do setbacks. Vulnerability can be a great teacher.

How have you applied the learning from your difficult times? How would you like to follow these principles in the future? Try completing the following sentence.