Sharing knowledge

Imagine that somebody has asked you for help with overcoming a setback. They may have suffered a redundancy, lost a relationship or experienced some other difficulty. You may be working as a mentor, coach, counsellor or whatever. There are several things you can do to help a person to shape their future.

People like to feel in control to at least 7/10. Many difficult situations stem from them feeling out of control. This is particularly relevant now due to the seismic shifts in the world of work.

Some people ask their employers to provide security by protecting them from outside forces, but this is virtually impossible. There are no jobs anymore; there are only projects. Sometimes it takes time for a person: “To recognise that you are a freelancer and reframe every role as a project.” This means following the eternal rules: build on your strengths, find sponsors and deliver success. It also calls for continually working to find possible future projects.

This article focuses on how you can help a person to take charge of their feelings, finances and future. Please note, however, that these do not replace any medical or other professional help the person may require in some critical situations.

* Start by creating a sanctuary.

You can clarify: a) Where the person is now; b) Where they want to be in the future; c) What are the person’s strengths they can use to achieve their specific goals.

Imagine you are meeting the person who wants help overcoming a setback. They may well be going through various stages of the change curve (see later diagram). So help the person to feel welcome, at ease and able to talk about their challenges.

You can create a sanctuary where they can begin shaping their future and working towards achieving success. Bearing in mind the changes they are experiencing, it can be useful to go through the following stages.

* You can clarify where the person is now.

People often need to go through a catharsis by talking about what they have experienced. From the facilitator’s point of view, it can also be useful to get a clear picture of what has happened. At some point, however, it will be important to move from talking to action. So this leads to the next stage.

* You can clarify where the person wants to be in the future.

It’s important to raise people’s sights to focus their long-term picture of success. This can provide them with a greater sense of purpose and perspective.

People can then see their present situation within the context of their overall goals. They can be helped to make an action plan for working towards their picture of success. Each facilitator has their own questions for helping somebody to focus on the future. They may say, for example:

“Looking back in future years, you may be able to see what you are experiencing now from a different perspective. But that does not change the validity of what you are feeling.

“Bearing this in mind, I wonder if we can explore your long-term goals. We can then return to the present and how you can achieve your picture of success. There are three themes we can explore. We could look at either:

* Your overall personal and professional goals. For example, imagine you are looking back on your life when you are 80. What do you want to have done by then that for you will mean you will have had a successful life?

* Your professional goals. For example, looking back at the end of your career, what are the things that you want to have achieved in your professional life?

* Your annual goals. For example, looking twelve months forward, what is your picture of success? In one year’s time, what do you want to be doing and feeling?”

“Looking at these themes, which one you would like to explore? We can then use this as a framework for working towards your picture of success.”

Imagine you have helped a person to clarify their future goals. Before they set out on their chosen route, you may wish to take the next step.

* You can clarify the strengths they can use for achieving their goals.

Everybody has encountered setbacks, but they also have assets they can use to reach their goals. Bearing this in mind, you can explore these with the person by saying something like:

“Before moving to your action plan, it might be useful to clarify the resources you can use to achieve success. So I wonder if we could clarify your assets and strengths?

“First, what are your personal and professional assets? Your personal assets may include, for example, your health, relationships and finances. Your professional assets may include your talents, drives and network.

“Second, what are your strengths? What are the specific situations in which you deliver As, rather than Bs or Cs? We can also explore your successful pattern for overcoming setbacks. Looking back on your life, for example, have you ever been in a similar situation and overcome it successfully? If so, what did you do right then? How can you follow similar principles in this situation?

“Third, how can you use your assets and strengths to achieve your goals?”

Let’s move onto how you can enable a person to take charge of their feelings, finance and future.

1) You can help the person to take control of their feelings.

Imagine you are helping a person who has experienced an accident, lost a job, suffered rejection or had another setback. Whilst everybody reacts differently, many go through the reactive change curve.

They experience the stages of shock, denial, paralysis, anger and hurt. Healing takes time. But they gather new strength, set new goals, work hard, achieve success and gather self-confidence.

So how do they overcome the setback? People often take time in a sanctuary. They then shape their future and get a quick success. This involves them taking charge of their feelings.

How to take this step? You can help them: a) To accept their feelings are authentic; b) To decide on the feelings they want in the future; c) To do their best to generate these feelings. Let’s explore how this works in practice.

* They can accept their feelings are authentic.

What does this mean? When running communities for troubled teenagers, for example, we gave them the message:

“Whatever you feel is real, even though to others it may appear illogical. Accept the feeling; but then move-on to how you can change it in the future.”

Why adopt this approach? Consider somebody who has been abused and now feels guilty. The abuser often imprisons the victim by inferring that nobody will believe their story. Helping an abused person to recognise that their feelings are real can be the first step to recovery. One abused young person said:

“Previously I felt crazy, but nobody would believe me. Talking with others who had suffered abuse showed I was not alone. Suddenly I felt liberated.”

Whatever their situation, it is helpful for the person to accept their feelings – then move onto the next stage.

* They can decide what feelings they want in the future.

Is this possible? The approach we used with the young people was:

“You know that doing certain things will produce certain feelings. Everybody knows exactly how to make themselves feel bad. They can refuse to take responsibility, drink too much or spend time with negative people.

"They also know what is more likely to make them feel good. They can take responsibility, be kind, get healthy or spend time with positive people. People choose their behaviour – the things they do – and in this way choose their feelings.”

Whatever their situation, the person can decide what feelings they want in the future, then move onto the next step.

* They can make an action plan for increasing the likelihood of generating these feelings.

People are creatures of habit, so they can develop daily disciplines. They can focus on: “These are the things I can do that will increase the likelihood of me feeling better.”

They can do something early in the day to get a quick success. Do things that given them positive energy, rather than be passive victims. Spend time with encouragers, rather than stoppers. A person can aim to set their agenda for the day, rather than simply drift. Certainly they may get flashbacks that throw them into a state of uncertainty. But they can then aim to follow the daily habits that are more likely to lead to feeling better.

Great therapists encourage a person to spend time in a sanctuary. They then encourage them to step out, shape their future and get successes.

2) You can help the person to take control of their finances.

This sounds matter-of-fact, but it can be necessary. People who get divorced – or those who suffer redundancy – quickly aim to take control of their finances. This is a necessary hygiene factor in shaping their futures.

If a person is facing redundancy, for example, you will probably invite them: a) To get advice on any legal matters; b) To get the best possible deal; c) To make a budget for taking control of their future. Others take similar steps without suffering a crisis. One person said.

“My income kept increasing, but so did my outgoings. The garage was full of unwanted items and we had lost track of our expenditure – so we did a financial reality check. The result was shocking. Bank statements showed a monthly direct debit for unnecessary personal insurance and there were many other opportunities for saving.

“Starting again from scratch, we stuck to buying what we needed – rather than what we wanted – and revolutionised our finances within a year. Feeling in charge of our money enabled us to feel more in charge of our lives.”

People have different attitudes to finances. Some act quickly when faced by redundancy, for example, whilst others decide: “To take time off and then decide what to do.” The latter approach is more common with those who have extended ‘gardening leave.’ But this can also have dangers.

The people who thrive are those who, from Day One, decide: “To make getting a job a full time job.” They secure their next role, then go on holiday. Others take months out but, when returning to the fray, find the market has changed radically. It can take them a couple of years to find another rewarding role.

3) You can help the person to take control of their future.

Imagine you have helped a person to take control of their feelings and finances. Here are three steps you can take to help them to shape their future.

* You can encourage the person to focus on their picture of success.

People need to see a link between their daily actions and their long-term picture of success. This provides a sense of meaning. It also gives them the energy to tackle short-term challenges on the way towards achieving their long-term goal.

This is the approach adopted by expedition leaders, film producers, Olympic athletes and many others involved in pursuing stimulating adventures. They see their short-term feelings within the context of achieving the long-term goals. This gives them the strength to overcome immediate challenges on the way towards reaching their destination.

Bearing this in mind, encourage the person to revisit the earlier exercise on clarifying their goals. If appropriate, invite them to translate these into a specific long-term picture of success. Soon you will be focusing on a concrete action plan for achieving these aims. So invite them to tackle the following exercise.

   

* You can encourage the person to focus on controlling the controllables.     

Peak performers tend to be positive realists. Bearing in mind their long-term picture of success, they put their energies into focusing on what they can control.

They can control, for example, their attitude, professionalism and the ways they apply their talents. They cannot control other people or the market. Though they can, of course, try to influence these factors. Great workers build on what they can control and manage what they can’t.

Bearing this in mind, encourage the person to tackle the following exercise.

* You can encourage the person to do something every day to work towards achieving their picture of success.

Peak performers develop a daily rhythm. They do the right things in the right way every day. Sometimes it takes time to get into this pattern, but then it becomes second nature.

Starting the day, they refocus on their long-term goals. Returning to the present, they focus on the daily actions they can take to towards their picture of success. Peak performers love to make lists and cross-off items along the journey.

Reflecting at the end of the day, they clarify their achievements, before making another list. They enjoy a sense of meaning by seeing how their short-term actions link to their long-term goals.

Bearing this in mind, encourage the person to tackle the following exercise.

People can’t always choose what happens to them, but they can choose their attitude towards these events. Viktor Frankl described his nightmare journey through concentration camps in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. He wrote:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.

“They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Everybody has strengths. But sometimes it is hard to communicate a person’s essence through a conventional biography or CV.

Imagine that somebody has asked you to write their personal profile. Obviously much depends on what they want to achieve with the document. They may want to use it to get a job, produce as a biography or whatever. Your initial task will be:

* To clarify the audiences they want to reach.

* To clarify the results they want to achieve.

You can then move onto communicating their strengths. Here are three steps you can take to make this happen.

1) You can collect information about the person’s strengths profile.

Start by clarifying their strengths. One approach is to use the exercise called The person’s strengths profile. The person completes it about themselves – as if observing themselves from the outside.

They also ask three people whom they respect to fill-in the questionnaire. People answer questions about the person under three headings: their strengths, style and area of greatest potential success.

Here is the wording of the strengths profile that you can send to people.

——————

The Strengths Profile

Thank you for agreeing to answer questions about the person. The questionnaire is divided into three parts – though there are obvious overlaps.

First, the person’s strengths – what they do best.

Second, the person’s style – how they work best.

Third, the person’s potential future success.

Several points are worth bearing in mind when completing the profile.

a) Please be honest and as specific as possible when writing the answers.

b) Do not be worried if some of the answers seem contradictory.

c) Be prepared to put aside up to 30 minutes to do the profile.

It may not take that long – but it is quite a commitment. Thanks again.

The Person's Name

*

Strengths

The specific words I would use to describe
the person and their contribution are:

*

The specific activities in which the person
delivers ‘As’ – rather than ‘Bs’ or ‘Cs’ – are:

*

The times when the person transmits
passion and positive energy are:

*

The times when the person seems to be in their
element – at ease yet also able to excel – are:

*

Style

Looking back at their history, the kind of ‘projects’ –
in the broadest sense of the word – the person
has delivered successfully in the past have been:

*

The person’s preferred style of working
– the way they work best – is:

*

The kind of manager with whom
they work best is somebody who:

*

If the person is leading a team or project, the kinds
of people who work best with them are those who:

*

The kinds of support, encouragement and infrastructure
the person needs around them to do their best work are:

*

Success

The specific things I believe the person
can achieve in their professional life are:

*

If I had a blank piece of paper, the perfect role I would invent
for the person – even if it did not exist today – would be:

*

The specific ways they can help other people – employers,
colleagues, customers and others – to achieve success are:

*

The other things I would like to say about
the person and their contribution are:

*

————–

Answering these questions can take a lot of time. So check out with people in advance if they would be willing to set aside 30 minutes, for example, to do the questionnaire. After collecting the information, move onto the next step.

2) You can create the person’s strengths profile.

Gather the information and take time-out to reflect on the material. Look for the recurring themes under each heading, because these provide the essence of the person. Try to find specific examples that bring these themes to life. Re-write the material in a way that makes sense to you – then check it out with the person.

You now have masses of material, so the next steps are:

* To clarify the different formats in which to present the material.

* To clarify the target group for each piece.

* To write the profile.

During the process it is vital to keep in touch with the person. Make sure they are happy with the way you intend to present them in the profile. They can also give specific examples that will bring the words to life.

Complete the writing, then move onto the next step.

3) You can communicate the person’s strengths profile.

You can communicate the profile in many ways, but the method must be in tune with the person’s message. For example, a humble person does not want razzmatazz. Communicate the person’s profile in a way that describes:

* Their Strengths.

* Their Style.

* The specific ways they can help other people – employers, clients, colleagues and others – to achieve Success.

People buy results. So show the benefits somebody will deliver to, for example, a potential employer. A good strengths profile shows how the person can help others to achieve success.

Imagine a person has asked you to give them feedback on their performance. This sounds easy, but there are several reasons why it can be difficult.

First, the person may or may not be open to your views – even if they say they want a reality check.

Second, there is an art to giving feedback.

Let’s explore three tips for helping the person to develop.

1) You can focus on what the person is doing well and how they can do it more.

Start by watching the person in action or seeing an example of their work. Looking at their performance, ask yourself the following questions.

a) What are the specific things the person is doing well?

b) How can they do more of these things – and follow these principles – to achieve success in the future?

Many people have been taught to give feedback by simply criticising what the performer does wrong. Spotting the person’s strengths – and building on what they do right – is a much more difficult skill.

Sounds simple, but what do you look for in a person’s behaviour?

One approach is to focus on the steps often taken by achievers. So you can focus on the following aspects of the person’s performance. When doing so try to be super specific and try to give concrete examples.

* Attitude.

Look for when the person shows a positive attitude and takes responsibility.

* Ability.

Look for when the person shows real ability and flashes of talent.

* Application.

Look for when the person really applies themselves, overcomes setbacks
and works hard to reach the goal.

* Adventure.

Look for when the person shows a sense of adventure, creativity and imagination.

* Achievement.

Look for what the person actually achieves, delivers and finishes.

Clarify what the person is doing right. Then move onto the next step.

2) You can focus on what the person can do better and how.

Looking at the person’s performance, ask yourself the following questions.

a) What are the specific things the person can do better and how?

b) What are the specific positive models and practical tools I pass on to help them to improve in this area?

Clarify what the person can improve. Then move onto the next step.

3) You can put the feedback in a way the person can use to achieve success.

People can only take so much information on board at once. So you may wish to start by clarifying how you want to help them to build on their strengths and tackle areas for improvement.

Bearing this in mind, try revisiting the following areas.

Strengths

The specific things the person can do to keep building
on their strengths to achieve future success are:

*

*

*

Areas for Improvement

The specific things the person can
do better in the future and how are:

*

*

*

Practical Tools

The positive models and practical tools I can
pass on to help the person to achieve success are:

*

*

*

Bearing these things in mind, you can focus on the three key messages you want to give the person. Then comes the hard part – passing on the knowledge in a way the person can accept and use.

Giving feedback is an art. It is often not about what you want to say; it is about what the person can receive. Great encouragers are good at giving feedback, however, and helping people to achieve even more success in the future.

So before giving the feedback, it can be useful to clarify the following themes.

“Will plus skill can thrill,” is a phrase used in sport. So how does this apply in other situations?

Imagine that you have been asked to coach a person, but you are not sure whether they are motivated. It can be good to establish their attitude before embarking on the coaching. The key question to answer is:

On a scale 0 – 10, to what extent to does the person have the will to reach their goal?

Let’s consider how you can explore this factor.

1) You can clarify whether the person is willing to put in the hard work required to reach their goal.

Clarify whether the person is prepared to work hard to reach their goal. You can, for example, invite them to fill-in and send you the Coaching Contract. This asks the person to describe:

a) The goals they want to achieve.
b) The pluses and minuses involved in achieving the goals.
c) Their responsibilities in working towards achieving the goals.
d) The help they want from you as the coach.
e) The measures that will tell them they have reached their goals.

Completing this contract shows the person is willing to put in lots of work just to get to first base.

2) You can clarify the person’s will to accept the pluses and minuses involved in reaching the goal.

This aspect was mentioned in the Coaching Contract. It is a vital but often overlooked part of working with people. Looking at the goal they want to achieve, invite the person to list what they see as the pluses and minuses involved.

One way to illustrate this, for example, is to consider the challenges facing a drug addict who wants to become healthy. Looking at it from the addict’s point of view:

The pluses will be:

• They will live longer.
• They will possibly build better relationships.
• They will possibly like themselves more.
• They will feel more in control.

The possible minuses will be:

• They must take responsibility every day for the rest of their lives.
• They must find a new purpose, other than getting a fix.
• They must work to get money.
• They must make new friends and deal with their feelings without drugs.

Bearing these factors in mind, do they really want to go for the goal? The drug addict’s odyssey is one example, but every person’s journey will involve upsides and downsides.

Let’s return to the person you are trying to encourage. Are they prepared to accept the whole package? How can they build on the pluses and manage the potential minuses?

3) You can clarify the person’s will to keep working hard after they have achieved success.

This is crucial when, for example, working with rising sports stars. Some athletes develop a pattern of almost reaching their target – winning a tennis title, golf championship or whatever – but failing at the final hurdle.

Certainly it can be due to circumstances, such as facing an outstanding competitor – but there can be other reasons. Subconsciously the person may feel:

“What happens if I win? Everybody will expect me to keep winning in the future. Am I prepared to give up my social life? Am I prepared to put in the hard work necessary to continue being successful?”

Some athletes answer ‘Yes’. Others are more uncertain and this shows in their performance. Clarify whether the person is ready to keep growing after their first triumph.

After establishing a person’s will, you can help them to learn the appropriate skill. You can also ask some of the following coaching questions to clarify their action plan for achieving their goals.

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Imagine that you are working with a person who says they want to reach a specific goal. The exercise invites you to do the following things.

* To describe the goal they say they want to achieve.

* To describe the specific things you can do to establish their will to reach the goal.

* To rate the extent to which they demonstrate the will to reach the goal. Do this on a scale 0 – 10.

It is not your job to persuade them to have the will. Certainly you will be encouraging and can help them to clarify the benefits of success. But they must provide their own motivation to get up and go for the goal. Try completing the following exercise.

 

Imagine your role is to help a person to do their best. For example, you may be a team leader, coach, educator or counsellor. How can you judge their chances of success?

One indicator is the extent to which they take responsibility. This is linked to their locus of control – a term coined by Julian Rotter in the 1950s. Let’s explore what this means.

1) You can understand whether a person has an internal locus of control.

People with an internal locus of control are more likely to believe they can shape their destiny. Listen for clues in their language. They say things like:

“I will take responsibility … I can make things happen … I can recover from setbacks.”

Try tackling the exercise below to clarify your own locus of control. On a scale 0 – 10, rate the extent to which you feel in charge of shaping your future.

2) You can understand whether a person has an external locus of control.

People with an external locus of control feel they are swept along by events. They often use victim language and believe that things happen to them. They believe that life has treated them roughly and the world is wrong.

Encouragers may try to help such a person, but their suggestions fall on stony ground. There is always a reason why the ideas won’t work. People with an external locus of control believe it is difficult to shape their destiny. They find lots of ways to say: “Yes, but …”

3) You can encourage a person to develop an internal locus of control.

Taking responsibility is the first step towards taking charge of our lives. If you are encouraging a person to do their best, start by focusing on what they believe they can do to shape their future. Invite the person to clarify what they can and can’t control in their personal and professional lives.

Then do three things:

* Clarify whether the person is prepared to take responsibility for shaping their future.

* Clarify whether you want to work with them on this journey.

If the answer to both questions is ‘Yes’, then move on to the next step.

* Clarify how you will work together. Make clear contracts about their responsibility and your responsibility in helping them reach their goals.

Encourage the person to build on what they can control and manage what they can’t. Invite them to set specific goals, work hard and get a quick success. They will then develop more confidence to shape their future.

You can, of course, apply this approach to your own life. Returning to the first part of this article, clarify how you can increase your own locus of control. Try completing the following exercise.