Building on strengths

Imagine you are going to have a conversation with somebody about your future co-operation together.

You may be planning to talk to a friend, a work colleague, a customer, a team or your boss. But there is one difficulty. You are not exactly sure how you want to co-operate with the person.

Let’s explore three steps you can take to make fulfilling contracts with people.

1) You can make a contract with yourself.

“Sometimes I emerge from meetings having signed-up for doing more work than I intended,” said one person. “Maybe it’s because I take on lots of responsibility, but I also find it hard to say ‘No’.

“The jobs get done, but there is a price to pay. Sometimes I think it would be better if I signed-up for fewer jobs. I would then do better quality work for the company.”

How to make clear contracts with people? Start by getting your own act together.

Make a contract with yourself before the actual meeting. Otherwise it can be easy to fall into a dialogue and stray far away from the things you really want to do.

Start by clarifying what you do and don’t want to do in the relationship. Clarifying your ‘script’ may sound artificial, but it is important to know your goals. You can then listen carefully to other people’s aims and, as far as possible, try to create a ‘win-win’. 

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Start by describing a specific situation where you want to make clear contracts with people. It can be in your personal or professional life. It may be with one person, a group or an organisation. Then do three things.

* Describe the specific things that you do and don’t want to do in this relationship.

* Describe what you think the other party wants.

* Bearing these answers in mind, describe the specific things you can do to, as far as possible, create ‘win-win’ contracts in the relationship.

2) You can make contracts with other people.

“I adopted this approach when going for a job interview,” explained one person. “Even though I fancied the role, I wanted to be absolutely certain it was set-up to succeed.

In the past I had accepted a couple of roles which proved difficult, partly because I did not make clear contracts before accepting the positions. So on this occasion I made two lists.

“First, what I did want to do in the role. This included:

I do want: to have a reachable goal; to have a clear brief and mandate; to spend most of the time playing to my strengths – which is working with customers; to bring in support people who can implement the tactics and other grunt work; to get a certain financial package; to retain a good life-balance and work from home one day a week; to be judged on my results.

“Second, what I did not want to do in the role. This included:

I do not want: to have multiple bosses who cannot agree on the overall goals; to have lots of ‘dotted line’ reports who I am supposed to ‘influence’ in order to improve their performance; to spend less than 70% of my time focusing on what I do best.

“Crafting these lists helped me to concentrate before the interview. Of course, I did not go in and ‘demand’ these points upfront. I listened, clarified the picture of success, added some more goals and showed how I would deliver the results.

“Once the interviewers ‘bought’ these results, we discussed the working relationship. I felt relaxed, but clear on what I would and would not do in the role. The interview went well and we soon agreed on a clear contract.”

You will follow these principles in your own way. Once you have a clear contract with yourself, it is easier to listen and clarify the other party’s goals. You know what you will and won’t accept, so there is no need to get into arguments.

When appropriate, take time-out to reflect, think of potential creative solutions and find some ‘win-wins’. If these are immediately possible, great; if not, then buy time to do more thinking.

People work best when they create mutually rewarding relationships. If this is not possible, then it may be best to move-on. But being able to sleep on it often gives birth to new answers. You can then make good working contracts with people.

3) You can keep checking the contract with yourself.

Having made the contract, you will embark on fulfilling your part of the bargain. One key discipline to bear in mind is to keep revisiting the contract with yourself. Events can sometimes divert your from that central compass, so build-in times:

* To take stock – clarifying your achievements and also the challenges ahead.

* To check you are following the contract with yourself.

* To make any necessary adjustments – such as re-contracting with other people.

Try completing the following exercise. You can then keep following your contract with yourself.

"Vulnerability is a great teacher," we are told.

Sometimes we learn key lessons when we are vulnerable. We recognise what we value and how to live our future lives. Sometimes we learn from the experience. The wisdom seeps into our bones and we apply the lessons in our daily lives. Other times the messages dissolve into the mist.

Let’s explore what we can gain from such times.

1) You can recognise that vulnerability is a great teacher.

Can you think of a time when you felt vulnerable? You may have suffered a debilitating illness, lost someone close, experienced an unexpected setback or whatever.

Suddenly you felt out of control – unable to shape everything in your world. Certainly you aimed to ‘control the controllables’ – but many levers lay beyond your reach. What did you do next? After a while you may have begun to reflect, go deeper and listen to your soul.

“Everything is temporary, nothing is permanent,” we are told. But it is when we feel vulnerable that this lesson strikes home. We have chance to consider what is important on life. When has this happened for you? Try completing the following sentence.

2) You can learn about your deepest values during the vulnerable times.

“My wife suffered a serious illness,” explained one person. “To make matters worse, my job then came under threat.

“At first I said: ‘I just want everything to be like it was before.’ But I soon realised we must go forward. We scoured the Internet to gather information about her illness, met self-help groups and planned the way ahead.

“Then we took stock of our assets – our finances, relationships, professional contacts and other resources. We soon realised how lucky – how rich – we were. We talked about ‘downshifting’, moving to another part of the country – perhaps near my partner’s parents – and starting a different kind of life. Our children were also very supportive.

“My wife recovered and the job survived. But we also heeded the lessons. The troubles brought us together. One year later we moved closer to my partner’s parents. She returned to part-time teaching, which she loves.

“I set-up my own business and our daughter now shares a horse! Our son changed his chosen subjects at university. Rediscovering his youthful idealism, he plans to become an environmental journalist. The whole experience taught us to value the precious things in life.”

Let’s return to your vulnerable times. What did you learn about what you valued and what you wanted to value in the future? Try completing the following sentence.

3) You can follow these values during your less vulnerable times.

“Near death experiences focus our minds,” we are told.

Our deepest learning is in our bones, however, not just our hearts or minds. Vulnerability can affect us on the primary level and teach us to re-evaluate our lives. Sometimes we embrace the lessons; sometimes we don’t. Human beings must become slightly immune, otherwise we would not function. But it is also important to take on-board the lessons from difficult experiences.

Sages throughout history have ‘journeyed into the wilderness’ to overcome hardship. They emerge humbler, stronger, wiser. Sometimes, however, the wilderness comes to us. We then gather our forces, focus on what we can do and embrace lessons for the future. Successes help us to grow, but so do setbacks. Vulnerability can be a great teacher.

How have you applied the learning from your difficult times? How would you like to follow these principles in the future? Try completing the following sentence.

Imagine you have recently taken a new role in an organisation. You started with enthusiasm and agreed your goals. After trying several creative ideas, however, you met with resistance.

When taking the job, you believed you had a clear brief and mandate. But several departments felt you were treading on their toes. How to tackle this challenge?

One approach is to meet with your sponsors and stakeholders to make clear contracts about your decision-making authority. Let’s explore how to take these steps.

1) You can agree with your sponsor about your decision-making authority.

You are prepared to be accountable, but you also need autonomy and authority. So it is vital to clarify the extent of your decision-making authority. Bearing this in mind, arrange a meeting with your key sponsor, the person who can hire or fire you. Looking at your role, get their views on the following topics.

“The first step was to agree on the specific activities where I had the power to act autonomously,” said John who tackled this exercise with their sponsor. “This proved relatively easy, though there was slightly less freedom than I had imagined.

“The second step was to focus on the areas where I had to consult. My sponsor agreed it was important that as few people as possible to be involved in making certain decisions, otherwise there would be paralysis.

“So we agreed on: a) Where people should be fully involved in making a decision: b) Where people should be given a sense of ownership, but I had the final say: c) Where they had the final say and I had to try to work with them to get a ‘win-win’.

“The third step was to explore the grey areas: those where it was not clear who could make a decision. These were creating difficulty. So it was important to move these issues into either (a) or (b), Otherwise there would be continued confusion.”

You will, of course, take this step in your own way. Try completing the following sentence.

After agreeing on these areas with your key sponsor – or sponsors – it is time to move onto the next step.

2) You can agree with the various stakeholders about your decision-making authority.

“My sponsor paved the way for these meetings,” said John, the person mentioned above. “Before I approached the other stakeholders – such as the heads of departments – he sent out a request for help. This read something like:

‘As you know, we are all aiming to achieve a clear goal. This calls for making clear contracts about each person’s – and each department’s – decision-making authority. Bearing this in mind, John will be meeting each of you to agree on the respective areas of decision-making authority. At the moment, you each have areas: a) Where you have the autonomy to make decisions; b) Where you need to consult with others; c) Where the areas are somewhat ‘grey’.

'I would like you to work together with John to make clear contracts about the respective areas of decision-making authority. Then we can quickly get the show on the road. I look forward to seeing the outcomes of your meetings.’

“My sponsor also talked with individual department heads to ease the way,” continued John. “That meant I was welcomed, rather than pushed away. Although there were still some challenges, we worked together to find ‘win-win’ solutions. We managed to work-out the respective decision-making authority.”

You will, of course, take this step in your own way. Try completing the following sentence.

  3) You can continue to make and follow clear contracts about your decision-making authority.  

Unexpected events – or poor communication – can jeopardise working relationships. So it is important:

* To keep following the clear contracts.

* To keep connecting with key sponsors and stakeholders to update how things are going and, if necessary, review or change the contracts.

* To anticipate future events and clarify the respective responsibilities when tackling these challenges.

Everybody will then be clear about their roles in delivering the results. Try completing the following sentence.

Great organisations focus on clarity, contracting and concrete results. This includes ensuring that people are clear on their decision-making authority. Such clarity provides an excellent platform for achieving success.

Everybody has dreams and some translate these into reality. Such people consider the full implications of the task. Choosing to go forward, they commit themselves fully.

Embarking on the journey, they have the dedication required to reach their destination. They demonstrate the qualities described by T.E.Lawrence. He wrote:

All men dream; but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.

Peak performers choose to dream, do and deliver. So let’s explore how to make this happen.

1) You can dream.

“I start by writing down my goals, then list these in order of priority,” said one person. “Maybe that is because of my sporting background. At training camp we were told that writing down your targets increases the probability of success.”

“Exploring my top goal, I consider the pluses and minuses involved in making it a reality. For example, saying ‘Yes,’ to one dream may mean saying ‘No,’ to others. During my athletic career this meant focusing on winning a medal in one event, rather than spreading myself across others."

“Bearing in mind the rewards and risks, I decide whether or not to go for the goal. After all, sometimes it would be more painful not to pursue the dream. Then I make my action plan.”

Peak performers consider all the consequences – both the pluses and minuses. They then ask: “Am I really serious?” If so, they go for their dream.

Many people fail to do ‘due diligence’. They may experience ‘Ah yes,’ moments or make New Year resolutions, but never consider the consequences. The first setback sees them revert to old habits. Dreamers of the day make realistic plans, then swing into action.

Try tackling the following exercise. First, describe a specific dream you want to follow. Second, describe the pluses and minuses involved in following the dream. Third, on a scale 0 – 10, rate to what extent you are really serious. You are looking for 8+, otherwise forget it.

2) You can do.

“Do something quickly towards achieving your dream,” we are told. “Get an early win to create momentum, even if it is simply gathering more information. Then do something that puts ‘scores on the board’. Get a tangible success.”

Dreamers of the day start by deciding on their destination. They make a road map for reaching their goals and break down the journey into manageable chunks.

Swinging into action, they develop daily disciplines. The athlete rises at 4.30 am to train on a winter morning; the painter starts work at a set time in their studio; the pilot follows a particular pattern to prepare for their flight. They work hard, overcome setbacks and continue until they reach the final stage.

Bearing in mind the goal you want to achieve, try completing the following exercise.

3) You can deliver.

Peak performers demonstrate the dedication and discipline required to deliver. Bearing in mind what they can control, they deliver the goods.

* Bob Geldof delivered Band Aid.

* Maria Montessori delivered a revolutionary method of education.

* Millions of people deliver caring and kindness each day.

Everybody has a successful pattern of delivery. What is your pattern?

Looking back at your life, what have you finished successfully? You may have written an article, built a house, solved a difficult problem or whatever. What did you do right to finish the project? What were the principles you followed? How can you follow those principles again in the future?

Dreamers of the day are ‘dangerous’. They make things happen. Bearing in mind your chosen goal, describe the specific things you can do to achieve it successfully. Being a good finisher, you will then dream, do and deliver.

Encouragement is crucial. So how can you spend more time with encouragers and less with stoppers? The following exercise is one that I often used on Encouragement Workshops during the early 70s. Let’s explore how you can continue to get and give encouragement.

1) You can clarify your encouragers.

Start by making a list of your encouragers. These are the people with whom you feel more alive, more yourself, more real. For example, you may write the names of your partner, friends, kindred spirits, manager, several work colleagues and other people. Describe the specific things they do to encourage you. You may, of course, also do things to encourage yourself.

“Right now I am lucky, because I am surrounded by encouragers, but this wasn’t always the case,” said one person. “My partner is incredibly supportive – though sometimes we may also stop each other."

"Two years ago I was going through a difficult time in the work place and home was the only sanctuary. Nowadays I have a superb boss. We agree on clear goals. He then gives me lots of freedom and support to get on with the job."

"Last year I reconnected with an old friend from the days when I played in a band. Joining with two other people, we formed a group which now plays at weddings and other events. The music and friendship has given me energy – something I am able to carry-over into the rest of my life. So now I spend time with lots of positive people.”

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, write the names of the encouragers in your personal and professional life. Second, describe the specific things they do to encourage you. As mentioned before, you may also do things to encourage yourself. If so, describe how you do this in practice. Try completing the following sentences.

2) You can clarify your stoppers.

Continue by writing a list of the people who for you feel like stoppers. They may be critical, negative or behave in a way that saps your energy.

Such people can’t always ‘stop’ you, of course, because you also have to choose to give-in. But they can certainly make your life difficult. As one person said:

“Three years ago I felt surrounded by stoppers. My boss believed in micro-management, inspecting every detail of my work. The team also had several negative people who were always complaining."

"My life was at a low ebb, but I was probably my own biggest enemy. I stopped exercising, put on weight and fell into a downward spiral. Reality came in the shape of a good friend. Sitting down with me one day, she explained that, while it was up to me what I did with my life, I was spreading negativity and affecting other people."

"Tough medicine, but it worked. From that day on I have tried to be an encourager, rather than a stopper.”

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, write the names of the people who for you feel like stoppers. Second, describe the specific things they do to try to ‘stop’ you. As mentioned before, you may also stop yourself. If so, describe how you do this in practice. Try completing the following sentences.

There may, of course, be people who both encourage and stop you. For example, when living with a person, there may be ways that we each encourage and stop one another. If appropriate, list the people with whom this happens. Try completing the following exercise.

3) You can give and get encouragement in the future.

So how can you give and get more inspiration in the future? Here is what one person said:

“My first step was to spend more time with positive people. Looking through my encouragers, I made action plans to meet and do things we both enjoyed. I also focused on how to ‘encourage my encouragers’, something I had neglected."

"On the professional front I changed my job, joining a supportive boss who I had worked for previously. Looking at the stoppers, some I stopped seeing. Others I tried to make clear contracts with about how we could work together in the future. This approach succeeded with two people, but failed with others. So I found a way around these people – and the system – to achieve my goals."

"Finally, I learned to kick-start myself into action if I ever fell into a downward spiral. Now I want to do my best to help other people.”

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, describe how you can encourage people in the future. Second, describe how you can get support. Finally, describe how you can deal with any stoppers. Try completing the following sentences.