Many people became angry with bankers, politicians and others during the ‘credit crunch’. Beneath anger there is often a sense of hurt.
Sometimes there may need to be a period of mourning – for a relationship that has passed or a time that has gone. Sometimes the grief is for a dream that has been broken or deferred.
During the credit crunch, for example, individuals said things like:
“I was planning on retiring in 5 years, but now it looks more like 10, if ever!
“I was thinking of leaving the company and setting up my own business. But now I plan to stay here. The job is not particularly fulfilling. But at least it’s a job.
“We were planning on moving to a bigger house, but now we have had to reconsider our options.
“I was thinking of taking 6 months off to travel, but now I’m not sure if I would come back to a job. So, for the moment, my plans are on hold.
“I planned on selling my company in 3 years, but the bottom as dropped out of the market. So now I’m knuckling down and getting on with the daily job.”
Sometimes there can be an upside to broken or deferred dreams – though it may be hard to see this at the time. Imagine that you have gone through – or are going through – such a process. Let’s explore how you can deal with the mourning and reframe or rebuild the dream.
1) You can recognise when you may be in mourning for the dream.
Looking back on your life, can you think of a time when you went through a mourning process for a broken dream? You may have ended a relationship, missed out on a job, failed to win a sports competition or whatever.
If you are an achiever, you would have probably ‘pulled yourself together’ pretty quickly – then marched on to the next goal. Nevertheless, it may well have been that you went through various stages of mourning, even if only for a short time.
You will probably be familiar with the grief cycle outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. The version produced below is from a superb web site created by David Straker. You can it at his home page at the links below.
http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm
http://changingminds.org/index.htm
As David points out, Elisabeth described the following stages that people often go through when facing the prospect of death or what they perceive to be negative transitions. They start from a state of feeling relatively ‘stable’ – then embark on the following stages. Based on Elisabeth’s work, here are David’s descriptions.
* Shock: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
* Denial: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
* Anger: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
* Bargaining: Seeking in vain for a way out.
* Depression: Final realisation of the inevitable.
* Testing: Seeking realistic solutions.
* Acceptance: Finally finding the way forward.
Everybody is different, however, and has different ways of dealing with setbacks. Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, describe a time when you may have gone through a mourning process and come through it successfully. Second, describe the specific things you did to come through it successfully. Try completing the following sentences.
2) You can deal with the mourning for the dream.
Today it is common to hear people use clichés about transitions. These include phrases such as: ‘take the positives’, ‘deal with it’ and ‘move-on’.
These phrases are common in sport, for example, where people must quickly emerge from a defeat and look towards the next goal. Beneath these clichés, however, there are some deeper truths.
When working with organisations that must make transitions, for example, I sometimes invite people to do the exercise where they write:
This is an important stage in, for example, organisations that have lost their entrepreneurial spirit. The employees say things like:
“It used to be so much fun around here … We had lots of freedom to shape our destiny … Every day it was exciting to come to work …”
Whilst it may be difficult to recreate those early days, it is certainly possible to forge and live another exciting dream. (The organisation must, of course, be serious about making this happen.)
So it also is with individuals. Whilst the credit crunch hit many people, some re-grouped quickly. They asked themselves questions such as:
“What are my assets? What are the qualities, relationships and strengths I can use to do good work? What are the really important things to me in life? How can I use my assets to reach those goals? What are the key things I can do to achieve my picture of success?”
Whilst recognising that one dream had gone – or been deferred – they devoted time to each of the following stages.
* Sanctuary.
They spent time in their chosen ‘sanctuary’ – be it sleeping, talking, reflecting or whatever. After renewing themselves, they set a new goal.
* Shaping.
They focused on ‘controlling the controllables’. They built on what they could control and managed the effects of what they couldn’t control. They then started moving out into the world to shape their future lives.
* Success.
They got some early wins. They then developed a pattern of producing specific results each day on the road towards achieving their new picture of success.
You will, of course, have your own way of dealing with such emotions. Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Bearing in mind how you have managed the mourning process successfully in the past, describe how you can deal with such emotions in the present or in the future. Try completing the following sentence.
3) You can define a new dream and get on with making it happen.
Looking back on your life, can you remember when the end of one dream gave birth to something even better? What did you gain from that situation? What were the concrete things you learned? What did you do to define the new dream? How did you then start on the road to achieving the goal?
Virtually every entrepreneurial dream has been spurred by some kind of setback. You may have dropped out of college, been fired from a job, found your creative ideas constantly rejected or whatever.
Certainly you may have experienced anger or recriminations. But then your positive scripting kicked-in. You said something like:
“I am really going to show them … I am going to do it myself … I am now going to focus on what I really want to do in life.”
Your emotions provided the energy to dream, do and, most of all, to deliver.
It is useful to know the emotions we can go through when facing a transition. We can then choose our attitude, take action and focus on achievement. This is especially so when recovering from a setback. Learning from the experience, we can then redefine and pursue our new dream.
Try tackling exercise on this theme. First, describe a potential dream you could have in the future that could be broken or deferred. Second, describe the specific things you could do to go beyond the mourning process, define a new dream and do your best to make it happen. Try completing the following sentences.
Posted on Friday, January 27th, 2012 at 4:06 pm in Strengths, The Strengths Blog | RSS feed
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