“People can choose their attitude,” said one of my teachers. “They don’t always choose what happens to them – but they do choose their attitude towards these events."
"A person can choose to be positive or negative, a creator or a complainer, a volunteer or a victim. They can choose to take responsibility or avoid responsibility. Each choice does, of course, have consequences. Both for themselves and other people.”
Sounds over-simple? Perhaps, but it is an approach that many people have employed to take charge of their lives. Let’s explore how it works in practice.
1) You can clarify the possible attitudes you can take in the future.
Sue Carter faced the choice that confronts many people who suffer setbacks: “Shall I choose to succeed or sulk?” In 1970 she came to the therapeutic community I was running for young people. Abandoned by her mother at the age of 2, she had grown-up suffering abuse in institutions.
Arriving at the community, Sue recognised she was at a crossroads and began pursuing her chosen route. Putting her troubles behind her, she aimed to do one thing in life – to be a good parent. Over 30 years later, quite out of the blue, she emailed me to describe her journey over the past three decades.
Now a proud grandparent, she had enjoyed a rich and happy life. Sue was always feisty. This was exemplified during a visit from the Essex police. Investigating events at the children’s homes. They asked if she was a victim of abuse. Sue exclaimed:
“No I am a SURVIVOR of abuse.”
Sue took the step that people are encouraged to take at the start of virtually all treatment programmes. They are asked: “Do you want to be responsible or irresponsible; help yourself or hurt yourself; be an encourager or a stopper?”
So how can you choose your attitude? Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Looking to the future, start by describing the specific things you can do to be positive. For example, to be kind, to overcome setbacks and to make full use of your talents. Move onto the second part. Describe the things you can do to be negative. For example, to sulk, to dwell on disappointments and to neglect your talents. Try completing the following lists.
2) You can choose which of these attitudes you want to take in the future.
Looking at the two lists, clarify which behaviours you want to demonstrate in the future. “But everybody will say they want to be positive,” somebody may argue. Yes, they may, but there are three aspects to this approach.
It is vital: a) To make a conscious choice about the attitude you want to take; b) To clarify and accept the consequences of this choice; c) To keep returning to this ‘compass’, especially during times of difficulty.
"That sound's easy in theory, but hard in practice," somebody may say. "So what can you do when you have a bad day?"
Al Siebert spent much of his life studying survivors who had thrived by ‘choosing their attitude’. He studied people that met four criteria:
* They had survived a major crisis.
* They had surmounted the crisis through personal effort.
* They had emerged from the experience with previously unknown strengths and abilities.
* They had, in retrospect, found value in the experience.
His book The Survivor Personality described many people who overcame extreme challenges. The situations they faced included, for example, sexual assaults, life-threatening illnesses, being prisoners of war, addictions, physical attacks and crippling accidents. He wrote:
“The survivor way of orientating to a crisis is to feel fully
and totally responsible for making things work out well.”
He added: “They thrive by gaining strength from adversity and often convert misfortune into a gift. Are life's best survivors different from other people? No. They survive, cope, and thrive better because they are better at using the inborn abilities possessed by all humans.”
The Survivor Personality outlines many strategies for making this happen. Building on his research, Al outlined some of the strategies survivors adopt to overcome crises successfully. These include the following.
* They quickly read the new reality.
Survivors have experience of overcoming difficulties in life. As a result, they have developed a particular kind of ‘savvy’ or ‘personal radar’. Other people ignore what is happening or bury their heads in the sand. Survivors click into awareness mode and take snapshots of what is actually happening.
* They stay calm.
Why? They realise it is vital to establish clarity. They must clarify what is happening – then make decisions about the way forward. Al gives examples of hijack survivors who stay calm. They gather information about how the hijackers behave, look for patterns and explore potential exits – not only for themselves, but also for other people.
* They maintain a sense of perspective.
People who are diagnosed with a serious illness, for example, may then move to clarifying their assets. They focus on their relationships, knowledge, talents and the healthy parts of their body. Mobilising these assets, they then tackle the challenge.
* They are open to doing anything.
Al Siebert found that survivors choose their strategies from a wide ‘repertoire’ of options. One contributing factor is that they have a quality common to many peak performers. Such people embrace what appear to be seeming paradoxes. They are able to see the big picture and the small details, to be focused and flexible, to be serious and playful. This means they are able to see a wider number of options than, for example, people who have been ‘trained’ to behave in one way.
* They have life-competence that helps them in emergencies.
Survivors are life-long learners. They love to explore and make sense of experiences. They prefer to take initiatives, rather than become institutionalised. Such people tend to be ‘savvy’, rather than having lived a sheltered life. This enables them to read situations, call on their experience and make decisions. Moving into action, they observe what is happening – what is working, what isn’t – and are prepared to change direction. This is a great advantage when tackling problems or emergencies.
* They totally commit to doing their best.
Survivors make their decision – then throw themselves into pursuing their chosen strategy. They employ every ounce of energy to reach the goal. They are completely committed to the task in hand, yet ‘hover’ above it to get perspective on what is happening. People then do everything possible to reach the goal.
You can read more about the work of Al and his colleagues at The Resiliency Center at:
http://www.resiliencycenter.com/
Try tackling the exercise on this theme. Looking at the potential for being positive or negative, do two things. First, describe the attitude you want to demonstrate. Second, describe the benefits of taking this approach. Try completing the following sentences.
3) You can develop the habit of choosing this attitude every day in the future.
People get into a habit of following certain patterns every day. The same rule applies to their attitude. They can develop the habit of having certain attitudes every day.
How to make this happen? You can start the day by focusing on your chosen attitudes and then put these into practice. Sounds hard work, but it pays off. On the deepest level, you are choosing to write your own ‘scripting’. Certainly this may feel unnatural at first, but it soon becomes second nature.
Sue Carter describes the route she chose to follow. She wrote:
“One day I found myself in an institution that was famous for holding a girl who had killed a child. Things looked bad, but then I got the chance to go to a community where young people had the opportunity to change their lives. Over 30 years later I now have three sons and a wonderful granddaughter, who is the apple of my eye. The 30 years in-between have sometimes been difficult, but never dull.
“During my twenties I had several long relationships and eventually got married. Unfortunately my husband tried to control me, so end of marriage. My greatest fear as a parent was that my kids could end up in care. So I then decided to be the best single parent I could be. I stayed on my own with the boys for the next 18 years. Then I met a good man with whom I had a child. Even though the man and I have now parted, we are still good friends and he is a good father.
“Looking back at the therapeutic community, sometimes we had fantastic talks. There would be 8 of us sitting in a bedroom till midnight, just sharing thoughts we had never discussed with anybody before. Every young person in the community had suffered problems."
"We encouraged each other to talk about the past, but didn’t allow each other to use it as an excuse for behaving badly. If I said, ‘My mother left me in the park when I was two,’ somebody else said: ‘I can top that. How can you use that bad experience to help others in the future?’"
"Nowadays I try to help other people by volunteering to work at the local hospice. But the thing I am most proud of is being a good parent to my children.”
People need to translate their attitude into action. One approach is to start the day by reminding themselves of their chosen ‘compass’. People also need rewards – so it is good to remind themselves of the benefits.
The approach described here may seem simplistic – but I have seen it work many times. The keys are: First, to make a choice – and to be aware of the consequences. Second, to get an early success. Third, to develop daily habits. These provide the foundation for achieving ongoing success. Try completing the following sentence.
Posted on Monday, October 24th, 2011 at 4:01 pm in Strengths, The Strengths Blog | RSS feed
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